I Speak English Good

"Where is the bathroom?"

"The elevator goes up."

"I play soccer."

For the better part of 29 years I have operated under the faulty assumption that I speak English fluently. It is precisely this false sense of security that will be tested upon my arrival in London, where I will no doubt be introduced to a host of new and confusing English words. But just like several of my mid-90's novelty T-shirts, I possess "No Fear," having spent several weeks preparing for my assimilation into British culture. Here are some terms that may be helpful when preparing for your next trip across the pond:

Chaps (n. pl)- A group of young men who may or may not be wearing assless leather pants.

Hob (n)- The stovetop of choice in Tolkien's Shire.

David Beckham (v)- to look good in one’s underwear.

Gazunked (v) - F#%!D!

Platform 9 and 3/4 (prop. n.)- where Prince Harry disappears to after he is photographed wearing a Nazi Halloween costume.

*Queue (v)- When John Delancey waits in line.

Windscreen (n)- the noise one makes with their mouth when trying to disguise a fart.

Jumper (n)- a suicidal sweater.

Barmy (prop. n.)- a purple dinosaur who is OUT OF HIS MIND!

Biggie (n)- An iconic rapper’s poo.

**Tickety-boo (n)- when life is going well for Julie Andrews.

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*See also- Star Trek nerd

** In the United States, however, saying Tickety-boo is a sure fire way of alerting someone that something is seriously, seriously, wrong